and then the actions of one person has challenged this
making me realize that i will not find fulfilment
from the castle of ideas, bits and bytes.

i take responsibility for my part in being mistreated
for i chose to cloak myself in my story
a series of words to evoke mental pictures.

the challenge is one which will be insurmountingly great
for a large portion of my life
has been spent in this castle.

i will begin with using my voice
more than i use my fingers
to connect with those around me.

i will cease immediately
all form of communication
that could otherwise be spoken

the time of hiding has to end
for in dwelling in the shadows
i have failed to see the light

What the hell do I mean by cultural conditioning?  That’s what we all undertake from an early age.  The culture around us indoctrinates us in the rules and ways of seeing and experiencing the world.  Mostly, it comes down to what is acceptable, and what is despicable.  Labels and judgements are placed on various aspects of the world we inhabit, such that we come to have the expectation that to be culturally accepted, we must embody these things as the norm.

In our Western industrial modern society, the highest things of value are those of the greatest monetary worth.  Cars, houses, financial holdings, and business interests, along with our wardrobes, tend to hold the sacred ground in judging the worth of one from another.  The secondary measures of value include our physical dimensions – are we thin or fat?  Muscularly or skinny?  Then there are the elements of our sporting interests, and the reach of our social networks.

I could add more to the above list, but they essentially speak to the measurement of value.  If one does not fit within those criteria – not having achieved financial dependence, not having fancy possessions, and having a body that does not fit within culturally desired proportions, they tend to be overlooked.

As a child, because my interests and dimensions did not fit within the developing cultural norms, I was shunned and teased.  That was the beginning of developing the habit of withdrawal from a society that did not seem to have a place for me.  I never did seem to find my feet in a world where I did not naturally fit.  A square peg trying to match a round hole.

I have finally found that in the space of acceptance I can appreciate my own uniqueness as being significant in and of itself, apart from that which is commonly valued.  In fact I act as a critic and cynic of culturally accepted norms, and feel particularly given to this time and place to be one who makes the call for a wider and deeper form of cultural acceptance. I will work with and for the disenfranchised like myself, the many who do not fit within the presently accepted social norms.  We will tirelessly speak against the consumptive forces preaching the mantra of growth and disregarding the things that truly matter for a fulfilling and meaningful life.

This is a game I no longer wish to play. I want to meet people where they are at. I do not wish to judge a persons tastes; I am merely concerned with their value orientation. Those who live in deep respect and awe for life. Those who love this great world and live in the proviso of minimal harm. Those whose categories are even open to being challenged, shaped, and broken apart.

I should waste no more time in contemplation over her stupidity and ignorance. My mind may throw darts of bitterness from time to time; if I catch it doing so I might say “bullseye!” with a grin, in order to make light of the fact that these are just thoughts.

Every day these challenges shape me and ennoble me with increased strength. I have a keener sense of my own dignity and a nurturing love towards my wellbeing. My friend Brendan has been saying “go with the flow” a lot lately, and I couldn’t agree more. The flow can be exceedingly painful but that is as it is. Even my indebtedness to others and dependency is simply a facet that is meaningless in itself; it does not diminish my worth. And this self compassion naturally flows outwards, such that I “love my neighbour as myself”.

be wary of the comparison trap
that habit of humans
to feel envy and failure

for you have travelled
through extraordinary circumstances;
no other has walked in your shoes

ill health has pervaded your journey
trauma has slowed you down
and made you extra cautious

yet despite all this you have pressed forward
with courage you have faced your greatest fears

you may lament lack of experience
but your experience is rich with insight

for you would not be you
without your unique heritage
without your unique perspective

so see every fear as presenting a challenge;
and see your lack as space to be decorated;
as a canvas to be painted on

i salute you
and i celebrate your excellence
and admire your perspiration

and i wonder
how do i face these things
that i have inherited?

the burden of mistakes
leaves its marks
in this present day

my obligations to pay
what i wish i didn’t spend
shout of past stupidity

such that while i see a rosy path ahead
i can only move slowly
burdened with the heavy weight

i do not wish to be
a product of my past
for it has given mostly grief

so the challenge remains
to be a person pulled
by a radically different future

when the voice of the past speaks
i wish it to be silent
so that i might hear the whispers of potential

or maybe we try to distract ourselves,
with our fleeting pleasures,
or busy activities.

it can be easy to feel the sting,
when you perceive happiness around you,
and only feel darkness.

when you see love and romance in the air,
and your only company
is yourself.

the pain then tends to amplify itself;
as your mind seeks remedy
for that which it sees as missing.

yet this is what we call self-indulgence,
the perpetual habit of the mind
to turn in on itself.

there is only one way out of self-indulgence;
self-transcendence.

diminish the significance of yourself
of your desires and delights
and engage fully in the world.

participate in that which is meaningful to you
find meaning out in the world
listen to the voice of nature

give up the search
for the meaning of life
for your unique purpose;

instead ask the question
what is life demanding of me
this very day?

but i had to do this,
i had to capture a moment
of sheer and total fucking.

i had moments tonight
when i felt like i didn’t care
if it all ended here.

something kept me holding on
when everything looked meaningless
and when darkness prevailed.

my car remained on the road,
only part of me was driving it,
while the other had a death wish.

so i see a benevolent love even in the midst of the darkness,
though the darkness still holds court.

i found my solace in my own flesh and blood,
and realized she could be the only one who could hear
and understand.

why do i get fucked,
over and over and over?

why do i suffer,
this curse of sensitivity,
and this weakness?

i do want to say,
fuck you life,
why?

‘Act without expectation.’ ~Lao Tzu

Post written by Leo Babauta.

How much of your stress, frustration, disappointment, anger, irritation, pissed-offedness comes from one little thing?

Almost all of it comes from your expectations, and when things (inevitably) don’t turn out as we expect, from wishing things were different.

We build these expectations in our heads of what other people should do, what our lives should be like, how other drivers should behave … and yet it’s all fantasy. It’s not real.

And when reality doesn’t meet our fantasy, we wish the world were different.

Here’s a simple solution:

Take your expectations, and throw them in the ocean.

Picture all the expectations you have for yourself, your life, your spouse, your kids, your coworkers, your job, the world. Take them from inside you, and toss them in the ocean. A river or lake will also do.

What happens to them? They float. They’re carried around by waves. The current takes them out, and they drift away. Let them be washed away by the cleansing waters, and let them go.

Now live your life without them.

What’s a life without expectations like? It means you accept reality as it is, and people as they are, without expectations, without trying to force people into the containers you have for them, seeing things as they are. It’s a life where you don’t need to be disappointed or frustrated or angry — or if you are, you accept it, and then let it go.

That’s not to say you never act — you can act in a way that’s in accordance with your values, and influence the world, but never have an expectation of how the world will react to your actions.

If you do something good, you won’t expect praise or appreciation. Let those expectations of reward and praise float away with the waves. Do good because you love doing good, and expect nothing beyond that.

Pay attention to your thoughts. Don’t beat yourself up if you have expectations. Just see them. Then toss them in the ocean.

Notice if you start to wish things weren’t the way they are. If you wish someone else didn’t do something, notice that. You have expectations, and you wish people or the world could have met them instead of doing what they actually did. Toss those wishes in the ocean too. Now accept things, and move on.

Let the waters of the world cleanse us, and let us walk lightly in a world that is already wonderful without our fantasies.

‘I am open to the guidance of synchronicity, and do not let expectations hinder my path.’ ~Dalai Lama

Originally posted at http://zenhabits.net/ah/

of travel far and beyond;
of experiences rich, wild, and free;
of the loves, the joys, and the disappointments.

i wished things had been different;
i wished i could go back in time;
i wished i didn’t make so many stupid mistakes.

it seems everyone around me,
has lived a more adventurous existence,
has a lot more going for them.

so i lament, so i wonder,
can i make up for lost time,
how can i recover from the mess i’ve created?

the worst thing of all,
worse than these considerations,
is the burden of regret.

as i pondered,
a thought struck me
like a bolt of lightning.

your past was predetermined;
your future is an open potentiality
which you create with your present will.

you could not will the past;
you had no other choice;
you could do no other.

yet with what you know,
and who you are now,
you can carve your own future.

so let go of regret,
for your present will was unavailable,
you were locked under your conditions.

ah!  the joy of freedom!
from the despair and grief
that regret imparted.

trying to determine what was wrong with me, and how i could be fixed.

i essentially believed i was broken, in need of repair;
and is it any wonder, considering the messages i received from childhood?

eccentricity is rewarded with spite;
the odd child is kicked, beaten, ridiculed, and scorned.

so i was petrified, i hid away from the world, it was a terrible place.

and became ever so familiar with my cave.

but a gnawing ache filled my soul;
i could not stand my solitude, and felt like there was so much more outside the cave.

venturing out, i felt struck by the immensity of the pain
and damage from yesteryear.

so my quest was for repair;
my sole focus was for healing.

yet like a mirage, i could find no relief;
like a carrot dangling on a stick in front of me, i found no joy.

it wasn’t until i let go of the angst,
let go of the struggle to be well,
let go of the need to feel better,
that i actually started to experience life.

i realized that it’s not about trying to feel a certain way;
and like a friend reminded me, it’s not about controlling other people’s opinion of me.
i had to find my own path,
the things i love,
the things i value.

i had to create me from the ground up,
for no-one was going to do that for me.

the more i found my joy in things like music,
the more i realized my sense of wellbeing.

and when you are not dominated by the opinions of others,
like a wise sage has said,
you come to experience your true freedom.

yet you can only do this when you love your life,
and you love it because you have things you love,
and people you love,
and experiences you love.

let go of the need to please;
and be free to be what you want to be.